Marriages are made in heaven they say, but eventually, every marriage has to come down to earth. The honeymoon "orbits" gradually decrease in passion and intensity, due to other priorities that demand our attention. More so, when the bundle of joy arrives!
Loving glances are gradually replaced by frowns, the stars in your eyes do not shine so brightly anymore, and your attempts at intimate conversation are punctuated by wails from the little intruder. You discover, as almost every married couple before you have discovered, that the feeling called "romantic love" has to be nurtured by a continuous process of meeting each other's emotional needs.
What is an emotional need? It is a deep desire within you that, when satisfied, gives you a feeling of extreme happiness and contentment. If this desire is unsatisfied, it leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. This means that when a husband and wife meet each other's most important emotional needs, they will experience passionate love, and stay in love as long as these emotional needs are met.
But, each of us has different emotional needs, and even if both spouses have the same emotional needs, their priorities for each emotional need may be different. For instance, let's say that "love and romance" for one partner means "sex and recreation"; for the other, it's "affection and intimate conversation". Now, if such a pair would spend a recreational evening together, show intense affection, with deep, intimate conversation, it would naturally lead to sexual fulfillment. The result? Passionate love, since the most important emotional needs of both are fully met!
You, and your spouse, fell in love with each other because you both met some of each other's most important emotional needs, and the only way to stay in love, long after the honeymoon is over, is to keep meeting these emotional needs.
So, the first step for you, and your spouse, is to identify what your most important emotional needs are - those that will make you the happiest and most contented. What you would like your spouse to do or not do, that would give you the greatest happiness?
Once you've both identified your most important emotional needs, the rest is making sure that these needs are regularly and adequately met.
(Excerpt from Slice of Life)
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Raising Thinking Children
Do you find that you have to constantly tell your child what to do? Brush your teeth, clear up your toys, make your bed, finish your homework, put on your shoes, walk on the pavement, don't watch TV too close to the screen and so on? The list can be endless especially if you have a very young child.
As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.
This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?
If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"
Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.
Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.
(exerpt from "A Slice of Life")
As parents, it's natural to feel that we have a duty to instruct our kids, to tell them what they should or shouldn't do. But when we adopt an approach of always commanding our children, they can very often become stubborn or rebellious. Excessive commands can lose their efficacy. Worse still, we're teaching them to always follow orders and never to think for themselves, which can lead to poor self-esteem and inability to make decisions later on in life.
This is not to say however that parents shouldn't guide their children. Just don't keep holding their hand or bringing out the cane. Why not try a different approach?
If you're sick of always playing the discipline master, stop demanding. Try asking your children questions instead. We often underestimate young children's ability to analyse situations and make sensible decisions on their own. So instead of saying "Brush your teeth now!", try asking "What do you need to do before having breakfast?"
Asking children questions gives them the opportunity to think for themselves and come logically to an answer. You can help them along by pointing out the benefits of that particular action, but let them discover the conclusion themselves - "What do you need to do after dinner?", "What do you need to do before we can go out?" Before you head to the zoo, ask "Do you have everything you need?" The child quickly learns responsibility and the value of planning ahead, and is more likely to internalize this kind of behaviour because he feels that he has made the decision himself.
Of course there will be times when only a no-nonsense direct command will do. But there is often another way. And if you use the "questioning", "gently guiding" approach consistently, you'll find that over time, you don't even need to remind your child anymore.
(exerpt from "A Slice of Life")
Friday, June 16, 2006
We Are Parents?
It has never occur to me that I’d become a parent so quickly. Before we were married, Steven and I have discussed quite extensively about whether to have children. While we were still on the topic with no conclusion, we became pregnant almost quite quickly after our wedding.
The day I suspected that I was pregnant, Steven, was still secretly hoping that it was only my suspicion and he’d prayed that it wasn’t real. I guess, God has His own plans about us.
While I was elated about being pregnant, I’m also at the same time a bit lost as to what to expect because becoming a parent would mean that God has trusted me enough to put a child in my hands to care for. It wasn’t long that the realization of a huge responsibility of caring for another human being dawn on me. Not long after, all the self-doubting questions flooded my mind - I’ve asked myself many, many times, am I really prepared for this new role? Do I know what I’m getting myself into? Will I be a good mother? And the list goes on…
Sometimes, we won’t really know what to expect or how to react until we are really put into the situation. We just have to hold onto our faith that God has entrusted us with a huge task, but He has also worked out the plans for us… whatever that will happen He knows and He will provide and guide us accordingly…we just have to take it one step at a time…
The day I suspected that I was pregnant, Steven, was still secretly hoping that it was only my suspicion and he’d prayed that it wasn’t real. I guess, God has His own plans about us.
While I was elated about being pregnant, I’m also at the same time a bit lost as to what to expect because becoming a parent would mean that God has trusted me enough to put a child in my hands to care for. It wasn’t long that the realization of a huge responsibility of caring for another human being dawn on me. Not long after, all the self-doubting questions flooded my mind - I’ve asked myself many, many times, am I really prepared for this new role? Do I know what I’m getting myself into? Will I be a good mother? And the list goes on…
Sometimes, we won’t really know what to expect or how to react until we are really put into the situation. We just have to hold onto our faith that God has entrusted us with a huge task, but He has also worked out the plans for us… whatever that will happen He knows and He will provide and guide us accordingly…we just have to take it one step at a time…
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Say Hi!
Hello this is Steven and Pauline. We are passionate on issues related to marriage and parenting. This blog is set up purely for the love of sharing what we've learnt and experienced through our journey in marriage and parenthood.
We welcome your visiting this blog often... hopefully we'll be able to share and learn together in our walk along this interesting path of marriage and parenthood.
God Bless!
Steven & Pauline
We welcome your visiting this blog often... hopefully we'll be able to share and learn together in our walk along this interesting path of marriage and parenthood.
God Bless!
Steven & Pauline
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